Your Brain Is Lying to You: Why Perception Shapes Coaching and Leadership Conversations

I once walked into a coaching session convinced I already understood what was happening.

The words were familiar. The dynamics seemed obvious. My interpretation felt solid.

And then the client said one sentence that completely unraveled my certainty.

That moment stayed with me, not because I was wrong, but because I realized how confidently my brain had filled in the gaps.

If you lead people, coach others, or work closely with humans (which is all of us), this matters more than we often realize. In leadership coaching, this gap between perception and reality is often where conversations stall or quietly unravel.

Because your brain does not show you reality as it is.

It shows you a prediction of reality.

How the Brain Shapes What We See

Take a look at a classic optical illusion.

Some people see a vase. Others see two faces looking at each other.

Both interpretations feel immediately true. And yet, neither tells the full story.

What you notice first often says less about the image, and more about the lens your brain is using.

For a long time, I believed perception equaled truth. That what I saw, felt, and thought was simply how things were.

Then I trained as a coach. Then I studied neuroscience for coaching. Then I began mentoring coaches working across cultures, industries, and worldviews.

And slowly, something shifted.

Your Brain Is a Prediction Machine

Here’s what neuroscience shows us:

Your brain does not passively receive information. It actively predicts what it thinks you’re about to experience.

Those predictions are shaped by:

• Past experiences

• Beliefs you’ve absorbed over time

• Cultural norms

• Emotional memories

• Hopes and fears
  

Think of them as filters.

And filters don’t distort everythingbut they do change what stands out, what fades into the background, and what feels “obvious.”

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Why Two People Can Hear the Same Words—and Walk Away with Different Stories

(H2 – coaching conversations)

I’ve coached hundreds of leaders and trained coaches across time zones, cultures, and professional backgrounds.

And I see this pattern again and again:

Two people. Same room. Same conversation. Completely different interpretations.

Not because one is wrong. But because their brains are telling different stories.

One hears feedback and feels supported. Another hears the same words and feels criticized.

One experiences silence as space. Another experiences it as rejection.

The difference isn’t intelligence.

 It’s perception.

Perception Isn’t the Enemy—Unexamined Perception Is

(H2 – leadership communication)

In leadership and coaching, conflict often gets framed as:

“Who’s right?”

But transformation doesn’t start there.

It starts with a quieter, more powerful question:

“What am I believing that’s shaping how I see this?”

When perception goes unquestioned:

• Assumptions harden

• Misunderstandings escalate

• Conversations get stuck

When perception is examined, something softens. Possibility returns.

A Simple Coaching Framework to Work with Mental Filters

When clients feel stuck, triggered, or certain they “know” what’s happening, I often invite them into a simple three-step exploration.

1. Name the Filter

What belief might be shaping how you’re seeing this?

Examples:

• “If I don’t perform, I’m failing.”

• “Conflict means something is wrong.”

• “They should already understand.”

  
  

Naming the filter creates space between you and the thought.

2. Test the Filter

Instead of arguing with the belief, get curious:

• What supports this interpretation?

• What challenges it?

• What might I be overlooking?

  
  

This is where rigid stories begin to loosen.

3. Reframe the Lens

Finally, invite alternative perspectives:

• What else could be true here?

• How might someone else see this?

• What would change if I held this more lightly?

  
  

Reframing doesn’t erase reality.

It expands it.

Why This Shift Changes Everything in Coaching and Leadership

When leaders and coaches recognize that perception is not neutral, conversations change.

People become less reactive. More curious. More open to learning.

Instead of defending positions, they explore perspectives. Instead of escalating tension, they slow down and listen.

This is where deeper conversations at work become possible—not because everyone agrees, but because people are willing to examine how they’re seeing.

Seeing Clearly Starts with a Pause

The next time you feel triggered, certain, or stuck, try pausing before responding.

Ask yourself:

"Am I seeing reality, or just my brain’s version of it?"

That question alone can create more freedom than the “right” answer ever could.

Continue the Conversation

Learning to work with perception, your own and others’,is a foundational coaching and leadership skill. It’s something we practice deeply in our ICF-accredited coach training programs, alongside presence, awareness, and powerful listening.

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