Vulnerability in Conversations: Why Some Go Deep, and Others Don’t

A few years ago, I walked out of a meeting that had gone exactly as planned.

The agenda was covered. The timelines were clear. Everyone had contributed in a polite, professional way. On the surface, it was a “good” conversation. And yet, as I closed my laptop, I felt an unmistakable sense of frustration.

Nothing meaningful had shifted.

No real concerns had been named.

No one had said what was clearly sitting in the room.

If your conversations feel stuck, it’s rarely because the topic is wrong. More often, it’s because of the level of vulnerability in the room.

You’ve likely felt this too: in leadership meetings, coaching sessions, or even one-on-one conversations that seem productive but leave you oddly unsatisfied. Everyone is talking. The words are sensible and well-chosen.

But no one is really saying what matters.

Why Vulnerability in Conversations Matters

Lately, I’ve been noticing the same pattern everywhere: leadership meetings, coaching conversations, even personal relationships.

We stay on the surface. We say the right things. We sound capable, busy, and in control.

But we rarely talk about how things actually feel. We talk about what’s happening, not what it’s doing to us. We share updates, not doubts. Opinions, not truths.

When vulnerability in conversations is missing, progress slows—no matter how experienced, skilled, or well-intentioned the people involved are. Decisions take longer. Trust remains tentative. The same issues keep resurfacing under different names.

The Problem with Surface-Level Communication at Work

In professional environments, we’re trained to be composed and efficient. We focus on outcomes, action items, and solutions. That discipline matters. But it’s not enough.

When conversations stay surface-level for too long:

Trust remains shallow.

Tension goes unspoken.

People feel unseen or misunderstood.

I see this often when coaching leaders and managers. Teams appear aligned, yet something feels off. Performance issues are discussed, but the emotional reality underneath never quite surfaces.

Without vulnerability, communication becomes transactional. With it, conversations become transformational.

The V.I.E. Model – A Practical Vulnerability Model

To help clients and coaches name what’s happening beneath the words, I created the V.I.E. Model of Vulnerability.

V.I.E. stands for Visible, Internal, and Essential.

(And vie also means “life” in French, because vulnerability is what brings conversations to life.)

This model doesn’t force depth. Instead, it helps you notice:

• Where the conversation currently is

• What level of vulnerability is being offered

• Whether it might be helpful to go deeper

  
  

Visible Level – What We Say

This is where most conversations begin, and often end.

Facts.

Stories.

Opinions.

Updates.

You’ll hear things like:

“It’s been a crazy week.”

“We’re under a lot of pressure right now.”

“The project is moving forward.”

At the Visible level, people describe what’s happening without sharing what it means to them.

These conversations are safe, efficient, and socially acceptable. They’re also where many coaching conversations stall because insight rarely emerges without some emotional risk.

Internal Level – What We Feel

This is where conversations start to open. Here, people begin to share:

• Emotions

• Doubts

• Frustrations

• Hopes or desires

  
  

You might hear:

“I’m exhausted.”

“I feel behind.”

“I’m not sure I’m handling this well.”

At the Internal level, the conversation shifts from reporting to relating. People feel seen, not just heard. This is often where trust deepens and momentum returns. Strong coaching conversations usually begin here.

Essential Level – Who We Are

This is the deepest level of vulnerability.

Here, people share things that feel personal, risky, and deeply human:

• Identity statements

• Core fears

• Shame or self-doubt

• Personal truth

  
  

Examples sound like:

“I’m scared I’ll never feel proud of myself.”

“I feel like I don’t belong in this role.”

This level requires psychological safety and presence. It’s not about fixing or advising. It’s about witnessing.

When someone is met well at the Essential level, meaningful change often begins. Not because a solution was offered, but because truth was allowed to exist.

Using the V.I.E. Model in Coaching and Leadership Communication

For coaches and leaders, the V.I.E. Model offers a simple but powerful lens. It helps you:

• Notice the current level of vulnerability

• Decide whether going deeper would be supportive

• Invite honesty without forcing disclosure

  
  

Sometimes, all it takes is a gentle question:

“What’s this been like for you?”

“What feels hardest to say out loud?”

These are not dramatic interventions. They’re subtle invitations—and they’re skills we intentionally develop in our ICF-accredited coach training programs.

Vulnerability Is a Skill You Can Practice

Many people believe vulnerability is a personality trait, something you either have or you don’t.

What I see instead is this: People become vulnerable when they feel safe, respected, and not rushed.

Vulnerability isn’t oversharing.

It’s honesty at the right depth, at the right moment.

That’s why having practical frameworks and coaching tools matters. They help you navigate depth with care and intention.

Building Deeper Conversations at Work and in Life

Not every conversation needs to reach the deepest level. And not every moment calls for emotional exposure.

But every conversation benefits from awareness:

• Where are we right now?

• What level of vulnerability is present?

• Is something important staying unspoken?

  
  

When vulnerability increases, even slightly, conversations become clearer, more human, and more effective.

A Simple Question That Can Change How Conversations Unfold

If conversations feel polite but flat, try asking yourself:

What level of vulnerability are we speaking from and what level is being invited?

That awareness alone can shift how conversations unfold.

What helps you move conversations beyond surface talk? How do you invite vulnerability without pushing it?

If you’d like to deepen how you listen, speak, and hold space for meaningful conversations, you can explore our ICF-accredited coach training programs, where we practice these skills in a grounded, human way.

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